The DFTU Guide for Your New Lesbian Relationship

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Congratulations! You’ve caught one and she’s not crazy, straight or married… You think. But as lesbians, we all seem to have this in built self-detonate button. The minute we like someone, we tend to get all insecure and worried and start doing things we all know are going to scare her off. So stop doing this… Seriously. 

1. Multiple Texting 

Use the two-text-rule. If you haven’t heard from her in a couple of hours (which is like two days in lesbian time?!) that doesn’t mean she’s run off with her best friend. It just means she’s busy. And no, not with another woman. 

Sending multiple messages is the quickest way to piss her off. I mean, come on, try to maintain at least a little bit of dignity. Adhere to a two texts max rule and then be patient.

The Cure - If you must, you can habitually scroll through her newsfeed to keep yourself occupied. Just don’t accidentally like her profile picture from 2004 or it’s game over.

2. Petty Jealousy 

Lesbians are surrounded by other lesbians. Our friends are lesbians and we are the go-to-gay for our bisexual and closeted friends, so there are always plenty of potential distractions around. But not everyone is hitting on your girl. I mean, yes, some of them are, but she’s chosen you.

The Cure – Keep your mouth shut. Annoy your friends and family with your incessant paranoid rantings, but smile sweetly every time she gets a text from that suspicious new friend from work and then say “she sounds lovely." And try to mean it.

3. Over Sharing 

The one thing we see gay girls do time and time again is go from single to married in less than three weeks. Complete with telling her all your little secrets and childhood fears. Pack it in because at best it will take the fun out of the honeymoon phase and at worst will scare her off. Try to keep some mystery until at least month four. Then fine, go ahead and get a cat.

The Cure – Keep going on dates. At least weekly. I mean, we all love a good Netflix-in-matching-onsies-evening but maybe go outside every now and then.

4. Phone Checking 

Don’t lie. We’ve all caught ourselves doing the sideways glance at the phone screen while she checks her texts, or possibly even gone so far as to sneak through it when she’s asleep. Seriously, that shit needs to stop. The smartphone is the modern version of someone’s diary. Leave it alone.

The Cure – If you really need to figure out if there’s anything weird going on, then ask her. I know right? Like out loud. To her face. Weird, I know, but it may just work better than hacking her Candy Crush.

5. Keeping Options Open

We all have that one girl in the background. Someone you had a thing with once, an ex coworker, that girl who was in a relationship before but now she isn’t and you’re tempted. So what’s the harm in keeping in touch, eh? Texting isn’t cheating, surely?

The Cure – There’s no need to dramatically cut anyone out, just close off the conversations, say you’ve met someone and make it clear you’re serious about her. A simple rule that we should all know by now is treat her how you’d want to be treated.

Now as a habitual commitmentphobe, I’ve watched (and snickered) on the sidelines as many friends sabotage their new relationships through phone hacking and over texting their way out of a good thing. It’s almost like watching an action scene in slow motion. It’s painful, and there’s no telling them. But if you like her, don’t f**k it up in the first few months. Save that for later when you’ve got a cat and a mortgage together and she *has* to humor you. Then have as many hissy fits as you like.