Who can say how much time has elapsed since Calliope Torres (Sara Ramirez) dropped a bomb on her once and likely future lesbian lover Arizona Robbins that she’d hopped into the sack with her on again / off again f*ck buddy Mark (Eric Dane) before the sheets on Arizona’s side of the bed had barely cooled. And, that the repeated dalliance resulted in Callie’s becoming pregnant with Mark’s baby?
The last episode of Grey’s left Arizona gob-smacked in the elevator -- where Callie conducts all important official business – upon hearing that Callie was preggers with her narcissistic best friend’s child. Why the first words out of Arizona’s mouth weren’t ‘Why didn’t you use a fucking condom Doctor Torres?” we’ll never know, but fast forward to who knows how much time has passed and Callie’s in bed with Mark –again. Although it’s not what you think… Callie is thankfully fully dressed and Mark is just waking up. She’s dropping the bomb on him, although, from his lack of surprise one would surmise that he’s a regular on Maury’s paternity testing bonanza.
After taking a moment to process, spew about a seed and a mighty oak and whatever other metaphors he can inject Mark asks, “Should we get married?” To which Callie replies with a resounding, "NO!" Once the initial, 'we made a baby' buzz wears off Mark gets the ‘oh shit’ “What am I going to tell Lexie (Chyler Leigh)?” blues.
As I was not an avid Grey’s fan at its inception I don’t quite understand the history of how the characters all appear to live in a Melrose Place type situation but I’m not going to question it. That said, Callie crosses the hall from Mark’s to Arizona’s, where the cutest pediatric doctor on the planet is crying on the couch. Callie inquires if it’s a good time for them to finally talk about the whole baby / I slept with a man while pining over you thing.
“I want to say some not nice things and I want you to listen without saying our relationship is over,” Arizona says. “I’m mad that you slept with someone else, and I know we were broken up but you SLEPT with someone else. And I’m even madder that that person has a penis. And I know that you’re bisexual…”
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“Would rather I slept with a busty redhead cuz…” Callie says interrupting. And frankly, well, I would have preferred that scenario, mashing up my networks and eras and picturing Callie with Christina Hendricks as Joan Holloway.
“You have to give me a chance to process. I am processing,” Arizona shouts. And here’s where I wish she’d add “Why didn’t you use a fucking condom? You’re a doctor for God’s sake. What the hell is wrong with you and Sloane?” But she doesn’t say that. She just listens to Callie.
“I don’t know how long I can wait for you to process but I want you in my plan. I want you…” Callie says, adding that she needs to know if Arizona is in.
“I’m in… I’m still so mad… You have to give me a minute,” Arizona says.
And all this drama occurs before the first cup of coffee. Unbelievable. Callie and Mark then arrive at Seattle Grace at the same time, Callie informing him that Arizona says she’s in but Callie’s not sold. She says she’s hedging her bets. “I’m not moving back in with her until I know she’s not going to bail again.”
Meanwhile, Lexie pops up to invite Mark over for a home cooked meal.
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“So when are you going to tell her? Callie asks. Typical, Mark replies, “Not until after my home cooked meal.” After all, why be open and honest when you think can have it all?
Then Callie gives him an out telling him he does not have to be baby daddy. He can just be the cool uncle if he prefers.
“I’m not the cool uncle! Don’t ever say that again,” Mark shouts none too surreptitiously down the halls of Seattle Grace. “I’m the Dad! This is my kid. I want this kid.”
No nonsense Callie says “So tell her. Do not wait until this kid comes out looking all Sloaney.”
Next up, Arizona’s walking down the hall with Teddy (Kim Raver) who’s noticed Arizona has not been a very good listener.
“I might be having Mark Sloane’s baby,” Arizona blurts.
“Oh good lord. He got to you too?” Teddy asks. And thankfully the writers at Grey’s have seen fit to have Arizona remain a tried and true lesbian. Not the typical TV lesbian who is until she finds the right charming asshole to bed down with. Arizona explains that Callie got knocked up with Mark’s kid while they were on a "break.”
Teddy looks totally befuddled, and who can blame her? But she listens as Arizona allows her inside-her-head voice speak out loud saying that Mark’s human – a nice requirement for sperm donor – and he’s pretty and smart.
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“I want to have a kid but with Callie. I’m not sure that I want to have Callie’s kid with Mark. So… can you say something to me that will make me want to have Callie’s kid with Mark?”
Teddy’s reply is simply, “Ummmm.” And I tip my surgical mask to Dr. Teddy Altman because that’s about as well said as it can get with this situation. But before Teddy can form another word Arizona’s emergency pager goes off, sending her running.
Arizona bursts into an office at the hospital to find Callie in stirrups with Mark by her side -- like this scenario hasn’t played out in Arizona’s head since Callie dropped the baby bomb. Callie’s a wreck because she’s bleeding and she’s certain she’s having a miscarriage.
Enter the new hot OB/GYN Lucy Fields played by Tasmanian native Rachael Taylor, and she’s trying to calm Callie down while Arizona, Mark and Callie all surmise what the medical issue could be.
“Wow there are a lot of doctors in here,” Dr. Fields says, and that’s when Mark demands her credentials. I mean, she can’t be young and pretty and competent right? Like Arizona, I too am miffed at Mark for a) taking advantage of a heartbroken friend’s advances, and b) not wrapping it up, and I don’t forgive him yet.
Once she fires off her impressive curriculum vitae Dr. Fields looks at Mark and demands, “Who the hell are you?”
Mark stammers a bit, “We’re um. We’re a related to the…” And Arizona finishes his sentence. “to the situation.” But leave it to Callie to get to the heart of it. Pointing to the appropriate person she says, “Lesbian lover, and baby daddy.”
“And everyone’s a little wigged out,” Dr. Fields adds, to the collective chagrin of the baby triangle.
The good gyno shows nervous mama a sonogram but Callie’s not assuaged as she mentions she’s bleeding – which doc says is not uncommon – and she can’t see the heartbeat, although it is too early for it to register anyway.
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The doc tells Callie she’ll do some blood work but adds it’s likely nothing as it happens in about 30 percent of pregnancies. “Just take it easy for the next few days. Drink a lot of water, no tampons, no intercourse.” To which Arizona responds, “Sing it!” with an eyebrow rise and a side eye at Mark.
And the entire exchange, including the lesbian couple and the baby daddy, the sonogram and the jabs between said lesbian lover and baby daddy make me miss Jessica Hecht as Ross’s wife’s girlfriend Susan continually giving him hell on Friends.
Next, I’m reminded of another 90’s sitcom I dearly miss… Mark happens upon Derek (Patrick Dempsey) and spills that Callie is pregnant with his baby. He doesn’t want to be just the cool uncle, he wants to be the dad and he wants Lexie, blah, blah… And it’s falling on deaf ears because Derek and Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) have been trying to have a baby for months to no avail.
“How can Meredith and I try for months and not have any luck, and you look at somebody and a baby appears?” Derek asks. “You’re a classic example of failing up.”
And just like that Derek’s the Charlotte trying desperately to have a baby and Mark’s the Miranda, getting pregnant when she least expects it.
Meanwhile, Dr. Fields pages Mark and Arizona to help mollify Callie’s fears. She hasn’t left the exam room for two hours. They convince Callie they’ll run a culture.
For the third time Mark gets an emergency page and this time he’s pissed. “You can’t page me every time you have a feeling,” he shouts.
“Don’t yell at me, I am a hormone casserole. My body is not my own and something feels wrong,” Callie says.
Mark, forever the doctor asks, “Is it muscular?”
“No, it’s a feeling in my gut,” Callie says.
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And still not getting there fast enough Mark asks “In your uterine…”
“My metaphorical gut!” Callie snaps. “Arizona says she’s in but she’s said that before and then she left,” Callie sobs. “Everything in my life is always a disaster. I really don’t want this to be a disaster. I don’t want to move or breathe… what if I do something and it messes this baby up?” Callie cries. But Mark, proving he has redeeming qualities, comforts Callie assuring her Arizona loves her too much to go anywhere. But Callie, not finished obsessing, brings up that little issue of telling Lexie.
Tired of Callie camping out in stirrups on her exam table Dr. Fields hauls in what would appear to be some uber-sensitive sonogram equipment, and finally, Callie gets to see and hear the heartbeat.
She and her hot OB/ GYN, her adorable lesbian girlfriend and her best friend and fuck buddy share a tender moment together watching the heart beat.
Finally out of the hospital gown, Callie’s back at Arizona’s place displaying some lesbian tendencies – reading while sipping a cup of tea sitting under a quilt with candles lit – when Arizona starts to haul some of Callie’s things back into the apartment.
“I haven’t said I’m moving back in…yet,” Callie stammers. “We’re not together. You can take those back to Mark’s place.”
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And this part is hot… “Shut up. Just shut up,” Arizona demands. “You don’t get to tell me that we’re not together. We are together because I love you and you love me and none of the rest of it matters. We are together. And if you ever sleep with anyone else ever again, man or woman, I will kick the crap out of you. Now you sit your ass back down there because that’s my baby and I don’t want anything happening to my baby!”
“You’re baby huh?” Callie asks while making bedroom eyes.
“Our baby…” Arizona says. “There was a heartbeat.”
And then the most adorable pair of lesbian docs to ever grace primetime starts to make out.
Callie mutters something about ripping Arizona’s clothes off when Arizona says, “I’ll do the ripping.” And collective lesbian hearts that broke when Arizona dumped Callie’s ass at the airport are on the mend, at least for now, because all seems right with the Grey’s little lesbian world. And here’s a plus! They got back together and they’re having a baby. At least they didn’t have to lure some poor, hapless horny dude back to their West Hollywood house to trick him into a three-way to steal his sperm ala Bette and Tina in the L Word pilot. Yes. This whole drama was much easier.
Thanks to Boo for all of the screengrabbing.
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