Fisting Over French Fries

I’ve been reading Masters and Johnson’s Homosexuality in Context. If you can manage to ignore that most of the book is about how homosexuality can be cured, it’s a really interesting read. I can’t figure out why they want to make the homos straight considering that after studying queers screwing in the research lab they concluded that homos have more satisfying sex lives that their heterosexual counterparts. Having been on both sides of the fence I always suspected it was true, but it’s nice to have my theory supported by famous sex researchers.

According to their research , the big difference between homos and hets was that the homo couples all took their time. They didn’t rush through everything to get to the fucking. Both the gay men and lesbian couples devoted more time to foreplay and spent more time touching and kissing each other. Thus, and here’s where I accidentally lapse into sexpert speech, they achieved a higher level of arousal before they started doing whatever it was they did to get to the finish line. They also observed that in queer couples the person doing all the work was just as turned on as the person getting done. They attributed this phenomena to the empathy that same sex couples have for each other’s bodies. In other words when you are fucking your girlfriend you are getting off just as much as she is because on some level your body can relate to what’s going on and you can understand and imagine what she is feeling. Just another fab thing about being a lesbian.

I was in a café in Williamsburg yesterday eating these amazing French fries with rosemary in them when the waitress came over to the table and started talking about how frequently she ejaculates during sex. Granted everyone at the table was talking about sex, but still, how often do complete strangers set a plate of fries in front of you and then tell you that they soak the sheets when they come? I asked her if she dated girls or boys and she said, “Men, I sleep with men, not boys.” 

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There were three of us at the table, me, Grace Moon from Velvetpark, and my girlfriend, Em. We were taping new episodes of this video series that Em and I do for Velvetpark that is rather unimaginatively titled “Gender and Sexuality.” You can watch the whole series at velvetparkmedia.com, if you are so inclined. So it was in the middle of a discussion about innie vs. outie clits that we learned the waitress was a squirter.

Apparently her previous boyfriend wasn’t so into it and actually thought something was wrong with her. Her current guy isn’t as ignorant but she says he doesn’t really dig it either. I don’t get it, what’s not to dig? I think it’s incredibly hot. So hot in fact, I once accidentally said “I love you” to a girl after she squirted all over me. I most definitely did not love her. I’m not even sure I liked her that much. Plus we’d only been sleeping together for a few weeks and we were hardly at the professing love stage. But, clearly, we were having pretty great sex. This particular time I was kneeling in front of her, my entire fist was in her pussy and my mouth on her clit, and when she came she squirted so much she soaked the entire front of my dress. I’m not sure why I was still wearing a dress while fisting someone, but I was single and ambitious at the time so perhaps I was in a hurry to move on to the next girl. Anyway, so I was just so caught up in the moment, and blown away by her orgasm, and the fact that I was responsible for it. We were in the middle post coital come down and I looked at my soaking wet flowered sundress and accidentally blurted out “I love you.”

It was awkward. Very awkward. It actually ruined the moment. I was uncomfortable, she was uncomfortable and the words just floated around in the air between us for a while stubbornly refusing to dissipate. After a while I gingerly removed my hand and we tried to act like everything was normal. Thinking back on that scene now, I wonder why it felt perfectly OK to have my entire hand inside the cunt of a woman I had only known for a few weeks but saying “I love you” was way too weird? I guess that’s just how casual sex goes. 

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