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Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Olympics, 'We are the World'

Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Catherine Zeta-Jones, Olympics, 'We are the World'

This week the pop-culture depraved duo prattle on about Ross' gay dreams involving Catherine Zeta-Jones and Ellen Degeneres, Tracy putting on her best lesbian and bowling with the cast of SVU, the Olympics' opening ceremony and k.d. Lang representing for the dykes. Plus, Emily Blunt's mouth, a musical theater diva / primetime television mash-up and a special section devoted to the hot trainwreck that is the new "We are the World," including Celine Dion, Barbara Streisand, Pink, Jennifer Hudson, Fergie and more!

SheWired Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke are back by not-so-popular demand terrorizing SheWired readers with a little column we like to call Gossip Girl and Her Gay, essentially an IM session between gay friends who work together that reeks of solipsism, celebrity gawking, personal attacks on each other and ridiculousness.

This week the pop-culture depraved duo prattle on about Ross' gay dreams involving Catherine Zeta-Jones and Ellen Degeneres, Tracy bowling with the cast of SVU, the Olympics' opening ceremony and k.d. Lang representing for the dykes. Plus, Emily Blunt's mouth, a musical theater diva / primetime television mash-up and a special section devoted to the hot trainwreck that is the new "We are the World."

TEG: Hang on two minutes. I'm heating a bagel. It's against my better judgment but I'm spinning later.

RvM: Oooh, where? Ross needs spin.

TEG: Later at LA Fitness darling. Me, my spandex and 30 skinny bitches. It's a real ego boost.

RvM: Hahaha. Maybe I’ll join. Though I let that membership lapse for the rich life ‘cross the street at Equinox. Me, 100 lawyers and some bored housewives who follow the skinny girl diet and take Pilates while talking on their iPhones.

TEG: Did you drop a dumbell on your head one day because you were staring at some hot guy and forgot you had a weight in your hand?

RvM: Possibly... It sounds familiar. I also fell off the treadmill once because the lady in front of me was wearing spanx under her sports bra.

TEG: Ha. You were trying to catch up to her to ask her where she got them.

RvM: Something like that. So, I had a fucked up dream last night. Ellen Degeneres did Celebrity Idol on her show.

TEG: I know. I'm like your Freud. You need dream therapy from me.

RvM: Catherine Zeta-Jones was her fist contestant.

RvM: First. Not fist. That was a slip. Anyhoo.

TEG: If the fist fits!

RvM: She flubbed the lyrics to “I’m still here.” Ellen was cruel, made Zeta cry. Then had an apology show.

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TEG: GAY! Only a fag would dream in Sondheim.

RvM: Zeta came back. Sang Chicago in her unitard and tights, knocked it out of the water. I woke up sad and stressing about getting up for the gym and stayed up all night. What the eff does all that mean?

TEG: Aww. It means you wish your life were filled with Welsh actresses who can carry a tune and marry well, you think dykes are cruel and you need to get out more. Now, I dreamt that I was bowling with the cast of SVU. Oh wait! That happened!

RvM: Yes... But no Hargitay. You got Tunie instead. And Meloni. I’m glad I wasn’t there, I’d have gotten tanked and asked to see his dick.

TEG: Good thing I'm laying off the sauce to lose weight or else I'd have followed him into the men's room. Although at one point, I did think "I saw you pee in a bucket" on OZ.

RvM: Hahaha! Turn on or off?

TEG: HOT. You know I'm a weird lesbian who's fascinated by boy parts. I don't have the funds for that therapy yet though.

RvM: Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Did you hear our tres-gay coworker Neal Broverman did shots with Olivia Wilde in Palm Springs? You get Meloni, he gets Wilde, I get Catherine Zeta Douglas being brow beaten by Ellen.

TEG: I know. We get what we deserve I suppose. So what else is happening? Did you watch the Olympics? Did Celine thump her chest for the world to see?

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RvM: No, dear. I know thats a very gay thing to do, but I skipped it. I don’t think she sang, she had her legs in stirrups trying to get preggers instead.

TEG: Yikes. ADOPT Celine! Well, KD Lang was not worried about spreading her seed, and therefore stole the show representing for the Canadian Lesbo Country Crooner set!

RvM: Awwwwww. Yes, she does that so well. Interestingly, I spent the opening ceremony in the hot tub with one of my best gays, his mother, and her right wing republican bestie who felt the need to strip naked and show everyone her labia, and then prompted to tell us all she voted yes on 8 because it's a "religious" issue.

TEG: Hell NO! You did not say that.

RvM: I think her visible vag lost the argument for her in the end.

TEG: Did she fold? Seriously, I don't want to see Republican vag -- unless it's Meghan McCain.

RvM: You wanna see her vag? Thats a lot. Ok, spill with some good lesbian dish. I feel you’re holding out.

TEG: Hang on. Well, Gina Gershon released a video proclaiming she's in love with her cat! Do you think she's trying to tell us something?

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RvM: That a woman of a certain age has two choices, and they both involve pussy?

TEG: We'll go with that! Let's see, Susan Sarandon set to star in a remake of The Big Valley!

RvM: Just to let you know...

TEG: In the Stanwyck role.

RvM: I’m on SheWired now - An Ode to Lindsay Vonn, Her Ass and Her Injured Shin - I thought that said Lohan… I was gonna say… WTF happened now?

TEG: Well, Lohan is selling herself for charity. To raise money for Haiti relief. I think she should go with a sure thing, raid her Hoarders' closet for a few pairs of Louboutin's and sell em on ebay. She'd make more money.

TEG: Hello -- did you nod off and start dreaming of Betty White?

RvM: You know I did. I’m sorry. You said LiLo.

TEG: You said LILO. Don't put it on me!

RvM: Oh fine.I’m trying to pass the blame because I have nothing to say about her anymore. I feel like in 15 years, she’ll be doing Tatum O'Neal-like guest spots on the 17th offshoot of Law & Order. This one starring Leighton Meester as a district attorney who is having a fling with a bailiff played by Kristen Stewart.

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TEG: Yeah. I don't know. That actually sounds kind of good. Poor thing has already been on Hoarders on A & E. Next it's Intervention, then Celebrity Fit Club once she gains 20 pounds from laying off the hard shit and then it's a slide to making youtube videos in her bathroom.

RvM: Lindsay Lohan does her own version of “Single Ladies”?

TEG: Yes. If she's lucky it'll go viral. Do you think she'll be willing to appear on SheWired since she's doing F-List appearances?

RvM: Oh probably. Maybe she can take over Fat to Fab. On the subject of fat… Do you still watch Grey's Anatomy? This bitch named Jennifer Hall was on last week playing mom of twins dead ringer for Tracey Gold. I was so confused.

TEG: I am not familiar with Jennifer Hall, but I've been a big fan of Tracey Gold despite the DUI.

RvM: I know you are. Lemme see if I can dig up a pic…

TEG: Ok.

RvM:

TEG: Meanwhile, muse over this for a moment. This is art.

RvM: Awwwww. Which reminds me, I think I’m gonna get a smoothie for lunch. Anyhoo… Don’t know why the Tracey Gold reference. I was stoked to see her working then I find out its just a cheap Carol Seaver knockoff.

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TEG: That bitch... And it's Private Practice -- not Grey's. We agreed last week that Grey's is digital Ambien for both of us. So tell me about Blunt and the 10-minute ode to her labia -- I mean lips -- in Wolfman.

RvM: Private Practice doesn’t bore me as much... Because it has Audra McDonald, whose 15 year old daughter is preggers and getting married on the show. I felt like I was watching the Sarah Palinstory with a decidedly racially balanced cast. Oh, I’m sorry. You went to Blunt.

TEG: You mean to tell me I was watching Monique heave a televsion down a staircase when I could have been watching the masterpiece that is Blunt's mouth?

RvM: Yes. In slow-mo. Plus a close up on her knockers in a corset. Though with Benico del Toro drooling on it, it's a bit like watching Russell Crowe's grubby paws molest Cate Blanchett in the Robin Hood trailers.

TEG: Back to Private Practice...It's okay. You're gay. Have your Audra moment. I'm a fan. But I always feel cheated when they cast great vocalists in straight dramatic roles. Like... I always want Mandy Patinkin to bust into “Putting it Together” when he solved the crime on Criminal Minds.

RvM: And right before Audra lays the smack on her knocked up team, we get her soliloquy from Ragtime.

TEG: Exactly. Patti Lupone busts into “Rainbow High” when her daughter comes out as a homo on Life Goes On. (That didn't happen, but I love that girl who played her daughter)

RvM: Yeah... Victor Garber singing Sweeney Todd while firing off a rifle on Alias... Jessica Fletcher busting into a reprise of “We Need a Little Christmas” from Mame, while staging the Cabot Cove XM, as pageant. You and I should start our own network for broadway divas who want some tv cred.

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TEG:Glenn Close belts “With One Look”while stabbing Rose Byrne with her eyes across a courtroom on Damages. Really. Glee is not enough. We need more of this shit.

RvM: We do... And they could have better used Chenoweth on West Wing. I’d have loved to see her serenading Martin Sheen as president with "Defying gravity." Oh shit, sorry. That was Menzel, the green bitch.

TEG: You are mixing your musicals' metaphors bitch. If Lea Michelle breaks into "Mama Who Bore Me" while the pregnant chick gives birth on Glee, that'll be a show!

RvM: Yeah! Ok, now that we’ve officially turned Gossip Girl and Her Gay into a wet dream for Bruce Vilanch, do you think we ought to end of a decidedly more dykey note?

TEG: Sara Ramirez heaving out "Find Your Grail" to that pain-in-the-ass Pompeo when she has her umpteenth crisis of conscience!

RvM: That will work – ish.

TEG: Anyhoo. I don't know. What's dykey this week?

RvM: Though I was expecting something like Whoopi from Forum, or Rosie from Grease.

TEG: Oh damn. Well, that's for another installment. k.d. Lang at the Olympics. In her white suit she was plenty dykey for all of us! I'm going to stick with that since I need to move my car before I end up in lock up for unpaid tickets. And while I like girls...

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RvM: Was it like a white man's suit... Or like the suit Celine used to wear that made women everywhere reach for their Monistat 7?

TEG: It was more like a man's suit. Not that ultra tailored thing of Celine's. Kay, really, I gotta go. I am seeing Chloe tonight, starring Seyfreind and Moore. In an Atom Egoyan sexual study. It'll be like Exotica meets The Sweet Hereafter meets Desperate Housewives.

RvM: Meets Mean Girls meets Roller Girl. Ok, go move your Fiat 500, I have work to do.

TEG: Oh shit, my car can wait. We forgot to talk about “We Are the World.”

RvM: You know I have a shit load to say…

TEG: Have you seen it?

RvM: Yeah.

TEG: Alright then. Hit me with it.

RvM: Save for Celine, Pink and J-Hud (oh, and the chick from Sugarland) its a hot mess. Btw, have you seen "We Are the World?” Pink and Celine rock the house, J-Hud does her typical gospel thing, and that chick from Sugarland gives it some down home country love. Otherwise, its a hot fucking mess.

TEG: I tried to watch it on youtube but I was getting distracted by watching Baby Mama for the 40th time on HBO.

RvM: Miley autotuned. Wyclef gave a calling cattle with some haitian shakira battle cry. Some bitch named ‘Lil Wayne trying to harmonize. And that dyke Justin Bieber reminding me that I am no longer in my teens or my 20’s.

TEG: I did see Babs Streisand juxtaposed with Miley. Lionel Richie will pay for that shit.

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