Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Portia de Rossi, Emily Blunt, Lily Allen

This week, while Tracy's hopped up on cold meds, the terrible two go off about the ultimate cougar Ellen Degeneres getting a little one on one with her wife Portia de Rossi in an exclusive interview. Next up, why Amy Adams and Emily Blunt are worth the price of admission at the box office this weekend, Lily Allen's a fierce bitch who pounds paparazzi and more....

RvM: Hey lady. I know you're covered in coffee, chicken soup for the soul and cooties, but if you wanna do this column, we gotta go now. I have a 3pm appt. with a set of hot rollers and I can’t be late.

TEG: Well, I will let you guide me along, because, not only am I soaked in coffee from torso to crotch but I'm missing three hubcaps and I might get Latifah Chloe on someone's ass!

RvM: Chloe? Bad dyke. Her name was Cleo. You really are sick.

TEG: Right. Chloe isn't butch at all. It's the Sudafed and Dayquil cocktail.

RvM: Did you mix sudafed in with your coffee? Ok, full disclosure. Tracy is battling a cold and so far today someone has stolen her hubcaps, they fucked up her breakfast order and she got three mini potatoes and no toast, and when she got up to pee, she dumped coffee on herself. It's kinda like working next to Lucy and Ethel, just without the laugh track.

TEG: Yes, and I'm working with a homo bitch who doesn’t miss a trick Anyway.... What's going on in entertainment this week?

RvM: Well, honey, if I let your mess of a life slide by the wayside, what kind of a bitch homo would I be?

TEG: Ellen interviews her hot bitch Portia?

RvM: Well, your girl Tamara Braun went blind on AMC.

TEG: HOLD UP? WTF? Some writers over at AMC will have me to contend with. So she's a blind, dateless lesbian?

RvM: Yes, she is blind, alone, and has a hot black doctor named Angie looking after her. Angie is 48, very cougar like.

TEG: Now that being a lesbo on Daytime is getting to be passé they'll have to take a foray into cougardom. Lately you can't swing a cat without hitting a cougar.

RvM: Mixed race lesbian cougar relationships on the next AMC.

TEG: I love it.

RvM: And btw -- if you wanna talk about swinging pussies, we can stop this column here and now.

TEG: Swinging pussies or swingers? Because I'm pretty wild but key parties aren't really my thing. I just don't want to end up like Sigourney Weaver in the Ice Storm getting it on with a househusband in bad plaid.

RvM: That was her best role. She's hot in leather with a whip. So you wanna talk Portia and Ellen?

TEG: Speaking of cougars.... Big Gay Ellen is doing her first-ever interview with her hot piece Portia. Or... First-ever public interview. I'm sure they practice at home. That's how Ellen hones her dance moves.

RvM: Hmmm. Portia in the hot seat. I like that. I just hope to god they don’t dress up in pilgrim attire and go caroling.

TEG: Maybe Portia will wear her Aussie school girl uniform and they'll reenact Loving Annabelle...or Maedchen in Uniform...depending on which decade you're from.

RvM: Honesy, I’m from the decade of Cruel Intentions, and the last thing I need is to see Ellen waiting for "Mrs. Right" while Portia dons a mini plaid skirt, bumps coke from a cross, and satisfies herself with the help of a big, black strap on.

TEG: And then she goes out and seduces a virginal Reese Witherspoon? That's a lot of chin all around...just sayin’.

RvM: I hope they talk sex on the stage. That would send Rosie over the edge.

TEG: That would send 4 million caftan-clad housewives, who still believe Ellen just hasn't found the right man, over the edge.

RvM: Hahaha. Did you hear about these sorority hoes getting the herp from a mean game of beer pong? Watched Priscilla Queen of the Desert one too many times?

TEG: EWwwwwwwwwww. That grosses out even me... But considering my ex was --well, never mind.

RvM: Come on -- now that's a pale ale.

TEG: Seriously, what's with all these STD's from drinking games? When I was a kid you did spin the bottle, strip poker, 10 minutes in the closet, you name it. And we didn’t get STD’s. It's a brave new world out there. And I don't want to hear about your crab free existence.

RvM: When I was in my senior year of high school, some girl named Veloma ripped her panties off at a birthday party, gave my friend Regina a lap dance and then went into the bathroom to fuck the captain of the football team. She has an 11-year-old named Wendy now.

TEG: Is that true? Even you aren't that creative.

RvM: It’s true.

TEG: It's the name Veloma that got me.

RvM: Our rich friend Agnes lived on a lake. She used to get it on in the mud by the boathouse. She was trash.

TEG: I used to get it on at girl scout camp...Somehow it seems less slutty than banging the wrestling team.

RvM: Well, it depends. Were you trying to get your light-weight floor exercise merit badge?

TEG: I got both. Trust me. All while honing a stirring rendition of Kumbaya.

RvM: Ooof. Ok, so I know you ladies love Amy Adams and Emily Blunt, but are they gonna be sexy in hazmat outfits cleaning crime scenes?

TEG: Emily Blunt could be sexy biting her toenails for two hours. I'm there. I'll just cover my ears when Adams gets whiny. Although, she made a fierce bisexual bitch in the classic Cruel Intentions 2.

RvM: She's very Melanie Griffith a la a stranger among us... only Amy Adams might be slightly more believable infiltrating the world of Hassidic Jews. She runs with a gun and screams FREEEEEEEAZZZZZZZZZZZ.

more on next page...

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(continued)

 TEG: Riveting. I broke up with a girlfriend over that movie. I wanted to see Night on Earth with Winona Sticky Fingers, pill popping Ryder as a cabbie but NO. We saw that crap movie.

RvM: Hey now: she scored a blockbuster entertainment award nod for most popcorn purchases with a video rental for that one.

TEG: And then my gf called me a hedonist because she suddenly identified with Hassidic Judaism. Good for Melanie...At first I thought you said Melanie won one for most sales of popcorn because people couldn't bear to be in the theater.

RvM: I think she won the award for popping the most corn at the local drive in showing a stranger among us.

TEG: Is that anything like being Miss Golden Globes?

RvM: Kinda -- except the gift bags are different. I hate Lily Allen. A lot, but I have to say I love reading about her beating the living shit out of the paps. I can just see her flipping her lip and letting out a giant Bjork grunt.

TEG: Lily and Lezzie Lindsay should team up to beat down a team of paparazzi. Those dumb whores just got matching tats right? And talk about lesbian. Only lesbians tattoo their fingers.

RvM: I think so. Can Britney come? She can scream, “OMG, My Pussy is hanging out!” and scare them all away.

TEG: She wouldn't have to scream it. It hanging out is enough. I know we already talked about Brit Brit's puss but that and the bulletproof hair weave are my fave stories of the year.

RvM: I know right. What if you saw the lady with the bulletproof hair weave with her pussy hanging out in Tampa. That might make you shit your pants.

TEG: EW. I don't do potty talk. Everything else but that's off limits.

RvM: Eh, you’re like my mother. Fine.

TEG: Haha. OH...So, I watched fucking Grey's Anatomy last night in hopes of some lesbo content. 58.5 minutes of yawn......zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzz and 30 seconds of Jessica Capshaw giving your old school mate Sara Ramirez the side eye. Say what you will about The L Word but it had its purpose.

RvM: RIP: You want some good lesbian content -- tune in to Telemundo's Los Hombres de Paco.

RvM: That shit's good. A nun and a slutty nurse are getting it on nightly. I’m not sure what the story line is about, but they make out with wild abandon -- and then one of them stops to pray.

TEG: Well, I can't get enough of slutty Latinas in fetish clothing. Plus sub-titles...that would make me feel artsy.

RvM: Once of them looks like a vegan version of Giselle.

TEG: My head might explode.

RvM: POP!

TEG: So...I gotta go down some warm Jack and orange juice and a Mucinex. Gotta get better so that I can stand near Jill Bennett and Cathy DeBuono at the Dinah and feel like a short, fat writer...

 RvM: Oh wait... quickly. I forgot. You know Knightley and Sienna Miller have a scene in the tub together in the Edge of Love. I guess no one bought that shit, because they're dumping it unrated into two theatres this weekend.

TEG: Oh. I'll be there. It'll be like Angelina and Antonio Banderas in that hot mess Original Sin. Weren't there some bathtub scenes in that?

RvM: Yes -- but I like that movie. Especially that classy scene in which Jolie bites Antonio's bare butt cheek. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

TEG: MMMM. Me too. He's so pretty. As pretty as she is. Kay... I know you have a Spirulina wrap or some crap to get to.

RvM: I actually have to go get my teeth bleached and see a man about a tanning bed. Buenas dias!

TEG: Ciao bella.

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