Gossip Girl and Her Gay: Teri Hatcher, Pink, Diane Lane, 'All My Children'

When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?

SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.

It's Valentine's Day week and Ross is off to get pretty for his boyfriend while Tracy preps for a Bridget Jones' style weekend of seventies ballads and cheap vodka. That said, the pair ramble about everything from Queen Latifah's butch dyke Cleo to Phylicia Rashad ruling the Cosby roost and the All My Children lesbian wedding. Then it's on to a kiss between Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria? Plus, Pink hangs with the gay girls, Dollhouse, Diane Lane and more...

TEG: Alright you. I know you have to run out and get a facial, a wax and a mani/pedi for your Valentine's date with your bf. Let's talk shit. My hormones are raging and I feel like Joan Crawford with the Pepsi Co. board, or else Queen Latifah as a gangbanging bull dyke in Set it Off.

RvM: Did you just compare yourself to Cleo? She's the only one in Hollywood with bigger knockers than you.

TEG: Haha. Yes, I did compare myself to Cleo. And yep, her knockers are bigger and they're gonna keep getting bigger while I try to lay off the boxed wine and nachos nights I love so much.

RvM: Awwww. Send her your nachos and boxes of wine. Jeanette can beat her ass for eating them and then the two can bump uglies all night long.

TEG: Oooh, damn. You mean Jeanette, Queen's life partner? -- I mean, "trainer."

RvM: That's her -- I love that they call her "the trainer." I'm like, what the fuck kind of workout plan is Latifah on? The sumo wrestler prep course?

TEG: She's the only Jenny Craig spokesperson who refuses to say she actually intends to lose weight. But when you are Queen you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want.

RvM: I know, right? I bet Phylicia Rashad loses 25 lbs and can still kick her ass when she's done. Don't fuck with Claire Huxtable.

TEG: Hell no. Actually, and I mean this in the most respectful way, I kind of feel like Claire Huxtable, as the head of the Cosby Show brood, is kind of like a microcosm for Michelle Obama being the first lady of the country. I wonder if Michelle could star in Into the Woods.

RvM: I dunno -- Phylicia did her own thing with the role. No trace of Bernadette Peters. Vanessa L. Williams played the witch too. I wonder if Michelle Obama could kick Tempest Bledsoe's ass from here to kingdom come when she comes home late from a drive-in with a boy she didn't neck.

TEG: I don't remember that particular episode, although I'm sure I'd have been riveted, but yeah. I think Michelle could rule with a firm hand. And by firm hand, I mean that in the best way.

RvM: I know. You do. Gosh, walking on eggshells today. Don't be worried to offend. I'm sure Michelle grew up worshipping the ground Claire Huxtable walked on too. I know as a kid I wanted to be lil' Rudy.

TEG: I didn't want to be a part of the family since I fantasized about braiding Bonet's hair, pillow fighting with her until she pinned me to the comforter.

RvM: Yeah -- you wanted to be on the set of A Different World. At least season one, where Marisa Tomei played the white girl who accidentally wound up at Hillard University because she didn't check ethnicity on her app. Dawn Lewis. Jasmine Guy. It was an all-star cast. I so wanted to go there.

TEG: Absolutely. Me too. Bonet, Tomei and Guy in school girl uniforms...oh wait. No, it was college. The uniforms were just in my mind.

RvM: I was gonna say...I know you went to an all-girl, granola school, but those weren't uniforms. Just cargo's and black hoodies.

TEG: Get your Seven Sisters straight boy. I went to Mount Holyoke, which was originally a seminary, and while there are plenty of full-on cargo-pant sporting dykes making out in the quad day in and day out, Mount Holyoke is actually not Granola. If anything, it's a little WASPy, pretentious, snooty, which I love about it. It's where Blair might have gone.

RvM: Hence you enrolling. I know there were some serious Lisa Welchel, Christian Noah's Ark fantasies playing in your mind.

TEG: Yes, nothing like fucking with a holy roller.

RvM: Hmmm, what to discuss...If I say Desperate Housewives, will you hit me with a hot roller?

TEG: Okay. I'm gonna admit something. It's actually...after what? 12 seasons now? -- cuz that's how long it feels -- it's actually grown on me a tad.

RvM: Awww. I swear we'll keep it between you, me, and the six people who read this mess of a column. But seriously, Teri Hatcher is locking lips with either Eva Longoria or Swoozie Kurtz this season. I know that's a bit like saying either Jessica Simpson or Debbie Reynolds, but I guess it all comes down to how MILFy Teri feels that day.

TEG: That's a pretty big leap either way. It's like America Fererra to Vanessa Redgrave. Well good for Teri whatever way it goes.

RvM: Hmmm. We can do better than that. Dakota Fanning or Lauren Bacall. Ooops. I went youth again. Veering back on course... either way, it should be hot. That Teri gained five pounds and she's a new woman.

TEG: I like Hatcher. I know I've waxed on ad nauseum about the Braun but I have to give a shout- out to your show for breaking ground on AMC. Although I know there are a few Lesbos who are pissed off.

RvM: I gotta say. I get why people are pissed, but some of these ladies are taking it too far. IT'S TV. We know she and Bianca are going to wind up together now (as broken by The Advocate). Settle the fuck down. It's not like a man stuck it in her.

TEG: I'd break it off if he had! Damn it. I'm a tad possessive about my Braun, and I'm not talking about the massage wand I bought at Sharper Image.

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(continued)

RvM: Though, I'm sure every time she comes on screen, your building has a power surge.

TEG: Thank God the breaker is right in my apartment or my neighbors would be getting a load of me in my Hello Kitty half-robe and slippers.

RvM: Eyes rolled back in your head with that "I was sooooo close" look on your curled up lips.

TEG: That is so nasty.

RvM: They don't call you saMANtha for nothing.

TEG: "Even through ski pants."

RvM: That'll burn your cli--.... MOVING ALONG. Hmmm, what else...

TEG: Oh it's on! Miley Cyrus and Margaret Cho.

RvM: Yeah, I saw that. I'm on the fence. I hate Miley, but I think people over-analyze what a 16-year-old girl is going to do. I mean, please -- if you looked through my treasure trove of a past, you'd probably need ointment.

TEG: And you'd probably find ointment. In your bedside table that is.

RvM: Did you see the pics of Pink with some bull dyke on Perez Hilton? They're in Soho.

TEG: I love it! That Pink sure knows how to tease the lesbians. Yeesh.

RvM: I know. Between that and the 'Sober' video, I had half a minute where I was like, anybody have a splint? I need some.

TEG: Is she back with Carey Hart for real or what?

RvM: Who knows? She's prob back with him and some ladiez on the side.

TEG: A girl can dream. Okay, so I might get drummed out of the lesbian club for this but I'm going to admit that I don't get Joss Whedon. Or Eliza Dushku. Although, the Grindhouse-style ads they've been running for Dollhouse and Sarah Connor are très fucking hot.

RvM: I know. Though I don't give either show long. Who's home on Friday night to watch lesbian porn?

TEG: Me, for one, but I'm such a weirdo I'm watching TCM on OnDemand. Barbara Stanywyck in Walk on the Wild Side and such. One night I did Annie Hall and Streetcar...

RvM: That's nice. I did Overboard and Troop Beverly Hills last week. Ah, classics!

TEG: I LOVE Overboard. Actually, I saw it when I was a randy teen and I made out with a girl in the movie theater the whole time. You know Goldie was quite the fetching lass. It's kind of what happened when I saw Unfaithful at the drive-in 20 years later.

RvM: PLS. I saw Unfaithful, found the nearest 37-year-old woman with brown hair and doe eyes and asked her if she liked public sex.

TEG: Yeah. That Diane Lane could bring out the non-discerning slut/whore in all of us.

RvM: I know, right? You know our friend Ryan sat next to her and Brolin at an awards show once, and while all the gays were staring at Brolin, he was lost in Diane's eyes.

TEG: Awww. You gay boys go gaga for her. I'm kind of a fan of Brolin. Anyone who calls Streisand Mommy has got a cross to bear.

RvM: I know, right? But, I mean, get real. Calling her mommy is one thing. Calling her mommy-in-law. That's balls.

TEG: That's scary as hell. Okay...I'll let you go prep for your big Valentine date...Meanwhile I'm on the way to Trader Joe's for a case of crap wine and some discount Triscuits and Manchengo cheese. I'll be like Bridget Jones singing "All By Myself."

RvM: Seriously, what loner movie are you watching tonight? And if you say it's gonna be you, the cat, and Places in the Heart, I'm coming by with a bottle of cuervo and a noose.

TEG: Oh no. Big plans. Mona and I are watching W. She'll fall asleep about the same time I'm officially drunk and head back to my cat, so it's a really good relationship.

RvM: Watch out for Thandie Newton as Condoleeza. Seriously, it's so gimmicky. Complete with Halloween snaggle she picked up at the five and dime.

TEG: It's not the Austin Powers teeth is it?

RvM: Something like that...

TEG: Ooof. Okay then Ciao my Valentina.

Missed the last Gossip Girl and her Gay? Read it here.