How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

Why do Republican legislators cheat so much? I'm not sure whether that's a valid question or a rhetorical one. These cheating stories are so ubiquitous that you'd think there's no way to cheat without getting caught. So why even do it?

Every day there's another Republican admitting he had an extramarital affair. At this point these guys all have it down to a science. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went mysteriously AWOL for seven days. His staff covered for him in a tragically clumsy manner, and then he finally reappeared to admit he'd secretly flown to Argentina to bang a woman named Maria. Do you have that song from the The Sound of Music playing in your head like I do? How do you solve a problem like Maria?" Well it turns out you make a public apology to your wife and four sons. Your wife pretends to forgive you and then after a while the press gets bored of writing about it and everyone forgets and moves on.

The silliest thing about Sanford's affair, well besides the disappearing act, I mean doesn't that guy have a job to do? But the other silliest thing was that his affair fell right on the heels of Republican Senator John Ensign's cheating debacle. It turned out Ensign was enjoying sexytime with a married lady staffer. So he also had to do the Republican cheater dance. They all know the steps. Hold a press conference, get their poor, humiliated wives to attend, apologize profusely and pretend to be really ashamed.

The new twist to the cheating dance that I find rather exciting is these guys also have to apologize to the rest of the Republican Party. It's so homoerotic-secret-society-fraternity-hazing. Hey, I've read my share of Pat Conroy novels, I know all the weird stuff that goes on in those all-male environments. I bet they have some really special behind closed doors punishment party. I see a group of Republican senators in a room with dramatically dark wainscoting and maybe brown leather wallpaper. 

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Rush Limbaugh is there. In fact, he is the Grand Poobah. Rush is wearing an open floor-length velvet robe and a crown of cock rings. Everyone else is wearing Mexican wrestling masks to maintain anonymity and to also look more mysterious and sexy. The cheater is ritualistically stripped nude, dressed up in intricate Japanese rope bondage, and then anally penetrated with a crucifix shaped dildo by everyone in attendance. That's the part I wish they'd do publicly! Press conferences are so banal.

These cheating guys are the same guys that are anti-marriage equality because they want to "protect the sanctity of marriage." These are the guys that voting against reproductive rights. They all have these completely made up morality rules that they constantly transgress.

It's sexual repression that causes all this drama. They are afraid of their own sexual urges so they make up laws to try and control them. But the more you repress something the more shame you feel and the more it gets overblown and perverse. You can't repress your sexuality completely; it's a perfectly human drive. So their urges sneak out in fucked up little ways and they can't follow their own laws. The only thing that drives me crazy about it is that they want to repress my sexuality too.