So you've got to the point where you nights wrapped in each other's arms, you can pretty much finish each other's sentences, and you can pee in front of each other with impunity. You're close as hell. Except when it comes to getting it on. Sure, it's normal to be at it like horny little does in the first stages of a relationship and then for things to calm down a little. But if things have slowed to the point that one or both of you is becoming genuinely unhappy about it, it's time to sort things out, and we're not talking about popping a pill like the new "pink Viagra" the FDA just approved.
1. Talk!
This one can be a bit of a Catch-22, admittedly, but without it you're unlikely to manage anything else on this list - let alone the end goal of feeling happy about sex again. Broaching the subject of an unsatisfactory sex life can pile on extra pressure that you really, really don't need and make one or both of you even more uncomfortable. So it must be handled carefully. Blurting out "Sex with you is shit these days!" is not the approach (trust me, I've been there - oh, my cringeworthy youth!). Try putting a positive slant on it. "I love it when you go down on me, you're so good with your tongue" for instance. Flattery will get you eeeeeeeeverywhere!
2. Make dates
No, not a four-cheese Domino's in your PJs in front of America's Next Top Model. A real, proper date. Like when you first met, if you can remember that far back. Book a table and dress up nice. Surprise her with cinema tickets. Hey, visit a museum and ogle Byzantine treasures if you've got a bit of mutual history geek love goin' on (works for me!). It might feel awkward and strange but trust us, once you've got back into the habit it will feel really nice. Humans love ritual, and that's just what a date is. Try setting aside a day a week, or even every fortnight, as "date night". Celebrate one another!
3. Rediscover romantic gestures
Order flowers to her work. Bring her breakfast in bed. Send her a text telling her you love her. Offer to cut her hair for her. It's so easy to forget the butterflies you had when you first met once you've become comfortable with one another. But do try and cast your mind back! Remember all those previous relationships that didn't work. Remember all those crap dates you went on before her. But this one, this one is still yours! This one could work! Yay!
4. Be brave
You really, really want to give her a sensuous massage with luscious scented oils but you've been too afraid and embarrassed to ask. And every time you try and get the words out your mouth goes dry and your heart races and you decide that it would be better just to forget it and say something about making some new bookshelves instead. Next time that happens, say it anyway! If her answer isn't in the affirmative, well, it's better to know that she doesn't want to to do it than to continuously wonder.
5. Value foreplay
I know from bitter experience how easy it is to fall into a lazy fingering-with-nightshirts-on routine when you've been with someone for a few years. It's perfunctory, it's not (in my case at least) always very arousing and it makes sex into... well, yes, a routine. Take the time to explore one another's bodies. Remember nipples? They're good fun.
6. Test out some toys
If it's a case of being a bit bored of the old "vanilla" scenarios, then it might be time to broaden your horizons. Kinky sex with a casual partner can be fun, but IMHO, nothing is quite as hot as experimenting with someone you trust. Trust gives you leeway - it means you can push the limits further. I mean, she might have been biding her time for the past 10 years: she might have been waiting for the chance to handcuff you, throw away the key, get on the next plane outta here and leave you stranded. But it's fairly unlikely.
7. Roll out the role play
A carefully selected outfit and a bit of imagination can work wonders. Taking yourself out of your normal day-to-day persona gives real pizazz to those intimate moments. But it's not that you're pretending to be someone else: you're just releasing another element of your personality. You know you've always wanted to be the Jared to her Sarah.
8. Give porn a shot
This is a no-go area for many couples, and that's totally fine. Not everyone is cool with watching their partner getting turned on by another woman (albeit one firmly locked behind LCD). But if you really are having trouble getting turned on and you feel OK with the idea, it can add a bit of a frisson to things. Just make sure you're on the same page and you don't terrify her off with a 20-person gang-bang. Maybe pick your favorite scene from your favorite film ;)
9. Try and compromise
There will always be something you want to do that she doesn't, and vice versa. And that's OK. Nothing is worse than one party acquiescing into something in an attempt to protect a relationship. Sex is a two-way thing (well, it depends - not always!) so its success rather depends on mutual enjoyment. If you're with the right partner, sacrificing the enactment of a few fantasies will be worth it.
10. Enjoy other areas of your relationship
Remember the joint interests which brought you together. If you first fell for one another over a game of Grand Theft Auto, then get those consoles out. Put on your favorite songs. Wow her with your knowledge of Lord of the Rings. You got together for a reason. A myriad of reasons. And sex is the expression of all those reasons.
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