The more secure you feel in your relationship the easier it will be to talk about your sex life. Many times we resist new things because we feel threatened by them, when we might actually be inclined to agree if we felt safe. But to feel safe, you need to learn how to communicate. It might be daunting in the beginning, but there are some rules you can follow to make it a little easier.
10 basic rules of sexual communication:
1. Time and place. Talk about sex when you are both relaxed and happy. Don’t bring up sex during a fight unless you never want to have sex again.
2. Really listen to your partner. Listening is different than just hearing all the words she is saying. Don’t react before she is finished. Don’t talk over her. Don’t bully. Avoid being judgmental. Let your lover speak her mind.
3. Relax. It’s just sex. It’s not brain surgery. No one’s life is at stake. Try to enjoy talking about sex as much as you enjoy having sex.
4. Start slowly. Baby steps are good. If you feel like putting it all out there might be jumping right into the deep end of the pool, start with something more familiar. The two of you could visit a strip club together. You could even treat your partner to a lap dance.
5. Compromise. Allow your partner to counter with suggestions of her own. Meet in the middle. Learn to stand up for what you want without bullying. And open your mind to things you might not have thought of before.
6. Don’t Criticize. Ever. Avoid criticizing your partner at all costs. Feeling criticized will cause your partner to resent you. It’s a sure way to ruin a sex life.
7. Make it fun. Make a game out of it. One couple I know plays cards and bets with nights of fantasy fulfillment. Whoever wins gets a night of whatever they want.
8. Follow up. If you do bring something new into the relationship, whether it’s a third person or a new toy. Follow up after and discuss how it felt. Was it exciting? Talk openly about it.
9. Be specific. If you want something in particular, say so. You’ll never know how your sweetie feels about a something until you ask her specifically.
10. Be glad for what you have. Take stock of your current relationship. Express to your partner how lucky you feel to have him or her and how much you appreciate the sex life the two of you have created.
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