It was high flyin' drama last week in Pine Valley gals. Ohma' Lord who knew one little kiss --and not with your impending wife--could lead to so much hoopla on All My Children? Apparently not Reese (Tamara Braun), whose kiss with Zach now has new wife Bianca's (Eden Riegel) ovaries in a bow-tie.
Holy hooters, Bianca was off her rocker last week, but who can blame her? It was the night before her wedding and her fiancé is making out with a guy? Oy vey. Talk about a shitty wedding gift, huh? That automatic egg-shell peeler probably ain't looking so bad now. So here's the lowdown: Bianca blew a gasket, told Reese to suck the big one and called an attorney to have annulment papers drawn up. As expected, Reese apologized profusely while declaring her undying love to Bianca. Here's a novel idea Guiding Light writers--let the lesbians get married and have a nice, quiet life together. But hey, this is a soap opera wedding so who are we to think something disastrous won't happen? Still, props to All My Children for having the first lesbian wedding in daytime soap opera history.
Guiding Light has been a bit of a dud for the last few days, meaning the show is taking a brief hiatus from the lesbian storyline to focus on Cooper's death. Can I just say for the record how upset I am at myself for becoming hooked on this show? I haven't watched soap operas in years, yet here I am sitting on my couch watching daytime stories and talking to the TV screen. The good news is that Cooper is finally dead and buried. Maybe now we can redirect our focus back to the inchoate, ostensible lesbian relationship between Natalia (Jessica Leccia) and Olivia (Crystal Chappell).
My worst L Word fear came true last week, even though it did mean a chance to see Helena (Rachel Shelly) get her legs thrown back for a good ol' fashioned English shag. Maybe I'm shallow for holding a grudge, but if some woman pretended to dig me, schtooped me and then slapped a million-dollar sexual harassment lawsuit on me I'd be in a snit.
Not Helena though; the heiress couldn't get to Dylan Moreland's (Alexandra Hedison) pad quick enough for a reunion boink. Hearing Rachel Shelly moan in the throes of passion is like watching a newborn baby sleep. Only a sex tape leaked to YouTube of Angelina Jolie riding Brad Pitt all the way back to their château in France could bring such bliss to the soul. So for now it seems Helena and Dylan are back together. For me, it was an odd sex scene. I'm sure it was some artsy filming--some noir thing I'm too ignorant to grasp--but it was way too long and silent. Surprisingly, I could take only so much before I had to get up and refill my bowl with Kettle Corn. Looks like it won't be too long before we see Alice (Leisha Hailey) and Tasha, played by the smokin' Rose Rollins, in a threesome with new gal pal Jamie. See, now my idea of a good time with friends includes any food group accompanied by melted cheese and a game or two of Yahtzee.
The Mentalist delved, if only briefly, into the world of girl on girl canoodling. In hot pursuit of who poisoned a wealthy socialite, detectives were led to an ocean resort where they burst in on two naked women making out in bed. Alright, it was a quick scene and a spoiler basically ruined in previews the week before, but nonetheless more validation that the CBS network is not afraid of gay-themed plots. Keep those bored housewives coming CBS. Maybe we'll see one in the sack with Det. Lisbon (Robin Tunney).
The Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice cross-over that was touted as being the must-see event of the season was, in my opinion, luke-warm at best. Grey's alum Kate Walsh, who played Addison Montgomery, and is now the lead on Private Practice, found herself back at Seattle Grace Hospital along side ex-husband Derek Shepherd for a surgery that would remove parasitic worms from her brother's body. Yeah, extremely gross. I'm thinking genital herpes would have made for a less nauseating storyline.
There were not too much lesbian goings on during the big cross-over; however, Jennifer Westfeldt, who wrote and starred in the lesbian-ish flick, Kissing Jessica Stein, showed up as a pregnant woman whose life is cut short due to the flawed cranial surgery Derek performs on her. Dr. Torres (Sara Ramirez) works up the courage to ask out Peds doc. Arizona Robbins (Jessica Capshaw) only to have the boo-boo doc call her a baby and decline. Ouch! Ripping an adhesive bandage off would hurt less. Not to fret Torres fans, the good doc gave Robbins an ear full after work in the local bar. Too bad she failed to notice Arizona's date before going off on a tirade about how well she can cook. Hey Torres, what do you know about making stuffed French Toast?
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It was a lesbian/trans fest on Law and Order: SVU last week. Bona fide lesbian Leah Delaria, who, in real life, grabbed my ass in an elevator in New York six years ago, showed up on SVU as Frankie, a big butch strip club manager. I had terrible flashbacks, my own personal PTSD hell which I was forced to relive with the Delaria scene. The storyline was actually quite interesting and fleshed out.
The episode revolved around Henry, a thirteen-year-old MTF transgender girl living openly as Hailey. SVU handled the subject matter deftly and respectfully, portraying two contentious parents at war with one another over whether their male-born son should be allowed to have sexual reassignment surgery that would help with a permanent transition.
Hailey's dad is savagely beaten and the men in blue turn their eyes towards Hailey and her transgender crush, played by real life lesbian Daniela Sea, Max of the L Word. Neither Hailey nor Sea's character attacked Hailey's father. Unfortunately, and this was the plot twist I could have lived without, the attacker turned out to be Hailey's transgender guidance counselor. The storyline was handled with both sensitivity and realism; however, I would have preferred an attacker outside the GLBT community.
And so very lastly, were not Kate Winslet and Angelina Jolie visions at the 81st Oscar ceremony? And my God in heaven, is Brad Pitt not the luckiest son-of-a-bitch alive that he gets to go home with Angie? Too bad they have a gaggle of kids scattered around the house. I'm sure the days of naughty, all-over-the-house sex is long gone for Angie. I don't know who feels like he's missing out more, me or Brad.
Between Kate and Angie, this year's Oscars were raised to a new level of elegance and grace. I only hope Kate got a congratulatory schtoop for her Oscar nab. Meanwhile back in the Pitt-Jolie household, while I'd like to think Angie consoled Brad over his best actor loss in a sheer black teddy, I'm sure the post-Oscar party for this beauteous due panned out more along the lines of momma Angie crawling into her flannels and falling into bed. Sleep tight Angie.
