Scroll To Top

The Bible &�I Got A Stylish Bible Ya�ll

The Bible &�I Got A Stylish Bible Ya�ll

Out lesbian stand-up comic Gloria Bigelow is entering the new year armed with her sleek, stylish 'Ultra Slim' Bible. So stand back! She'll be ready to go verse to verse with anti-gay Christian Conservatives in no time!

"Oooh that's a nice one!"  The mousy mid-western women behind the counter at Barnes and Nobles said to me while fingering the outside of my brand new Ultra Slim blue and green soft-leather bound bible.

I wondered "when is the last time she washed her hands?"  I don't want her feeling on my clean book with her particularly, seasonally-dirty fingers.  I smiled and nodded, looking down at her stubs that were acting as fingers -- noting that it looks like she hadn't washed her hands -- or her hair for that matter -- since Jesus walked the earth. Oh God, I thought, she's dirtying my book with those unclean hands... God help me! 

She searched the back of my Bible, looking for a place to scan.  

"Oh here it is."  I handed over the cardboard covering that had previously covered my book, which advertised the convenience of my "ultra slim" bible. It advertised...

"Big Bibles are great for home and office use.  But people on the move need the Ultra Slim Bible. The portable New King James Version that goes anywhere you go with style! Men and Women will appreciate the Ultra Slim Bible because it isn't heavy or bulky and saves space in a briefcase or travel bag.  But even with its trim dimensions, you won't sacrifice great features."

Men and Women will appreciate it -- but what about a gender-queer tranny?  Would they appreciate my new bible I wondered?  I'd have to wait til I got back to the city to see.

How sexy though -- a stylish bible -- Ilove it! I like stylish things -- purses, shoes, why not a bible? Why should I be forced to walk around Manhattan with a clunky out-of-style Bible, feeling shame when folks looked down at me like I was wearing a pair of Steve Madden boots from five years ago -- uh-uh. I found a sexy bible! 

When this notion of Bible reading came to me I was in Barnes and Nobles looking at calendars. I saw this calendar that said "Nuns having Fun."  How cute, I thought.  Look at them in their penguin suits being all kooky.  "God is just so much fun." I thought!  And then, it was like one of those happy-go-lucky nuns spoke to me and she said " Nuns are Fun and God can be too. Look at you young lady. You have nothing to do." And just as fast as hope can change to despair -- when a bigot is chosen to give an invocation-- it hit me, Maybe I should have some fun like the nuns and read the Good Book! 

Giddy as all get out, I skipped on over to the help desk. I joked to the lady with a bobbed haircut behind the counter "Point in me in the direction of Jesus!" I smiled.  Noting her disapproving of my kidding about the Lord.  I leaned into her and decided that perhaps a more modest and formal approach may be better suited for the circumstance. "Hello maam. Can you tell me where I can find the beloved good book that they call the Bible?"

more on next page...



I folded my hands in a prayerful way in front of my chest to communicate the seriousness of my request.  She pointed me to the back corner. "You'll find them in the religion section."

"Oh yeah -- of course," I chuckled.  "That makes sense.  Not like it would be in the cooking isle or something squeezed in between yet another Rachael Ray cookbook." I nodded.

"Thanks. I'm going to head over there and find Jesus!  I mean not literally -- I mean, it's not like Jesus is actually sitting over there in the corner reading his own book. Can you imagine?  If he were here, like doing a book signing or something? I mean it would be totally..." I noted the distress on the bob-haired ladies face. "Sorry. I'm just going to... Bye!" I ran from her.

I made my way over to the religion section. You wouldn't believe how many there were to choose from.!!! There were more bibles here than there were misinterpretations of it. It was like the shoe department of Nordstrom's -- except it was for Bibles and there were no annoying women there with little dogs in their bags.

They had blue ones and red ones, big ones and small ones, short ones and tall ones- (Joke) Some for men, some for women, some for teens. And finally, I found my bible...the one for a recovering Catholic, black lesbian, comic, who is exhausted with people using it against her, and those who bring it out to thump it every time they want to justify discrimination and bigotry based on it's teachings! 

So, I'm going to read the bible.  Now sure, I'm not totally new to the Bible. I remember people reading it between songs at mass and I remember readin' something about the 10 Commandments while in Catholic Christian Development.

But as an adult, I've never actually read the Bible.  I used to try to read it when I was in college but I was never able to make it past Genesis, which I always thought would be a great name for my one-day future daughter.

But, it's a new year and why not arm myself with a historical text that I can twist about?  Why not have behind me the "good book" that I can turn and guard myself with when I don't feel like figuring some stuff out for myself?  It's the '09 ya'll, why the hell not have an ultra slim, sexy bible that I can interpret and use against folks in any way I choose!


Advocate Channel - The Pride StoreOut / Advocate Magazine - Fellow Travelers & Jamie Lee Curtis

From our Sponsors

Most Popular

Latest Stories

author avatar

Gloria Bigelow