As women, we've got it a little tougher in this world when it comes to carving out a career and acheiving whatever we define as success.  There are countless obstacles that work against us--from the tendency to steer girls away from the sciences, to unequal pay and hiring discrimination in the workforce, to sexual harassment and degredation in pretty much every aspect of life, to actual laws on the books that try to police our bodies and our decisions--that make getting ahead that much harder.  

As a result of that, I've noticed that many of the women I know (including myself) have turned into varying degrees of perfectionists.  We have a lot to prove, and a lot we want to acheive, and we know we can do it, but damn if it isn't impossible sometimes to convince ourselves that we can make it in the big league, male-dominated professions, keep our bodies in perfect shape, juggle families and solo time and relationships and careers, and always put off an aura of having-your-shit-together-ness.  It's fucking exhausting.  

Now I know that men can be just as ridiculous when it comes to perfectionism, but I'm choosing to focus on the ladies for a moment because I think there's a different dimension to our fear of failure that guys don't deal with as much.  Think of it like the gay marriage movement.  I remember when Prop 8 was overturned by the Supreme Court and feeling unbelievably happy.  But at the same time I was thinking to myself "Oh wow, now if I get married I better make absolute certain that I'm marrying my soulmate because if we fall apart and get a gay divorce, what will that say about our movement and everything we've been fighting for?  If gay marriages don't last, is society going to then say that we don't deserve it again?" I realize that's a completely unfounded fear, but I know a few of the couples who got married in that weird period where marriage was sorta-kinda-not-completely-legal-slash-still-being-battled-in-the-courts-of-California who said that they felt as though their unions were being much more heavily scrutinized than their straight counterparts because it was almost like a testing period.  

So back to women.  It's like this--we've fought SO hard to gain the equality that we've managed to achieve over the last hundred or so years, so now that we can participate in the workforce and raise kids while holding down that big time job and be chefs, directors, CEOs, professors, etc. the pressure to make it happen is that much more intense and the stakes feel that much higher.  Women push themselves like crazy in school and stick with it, knowing that education is the best way out of poverty, difficult upbringings, and discrimination.  Women now outnumber men at pretty much every US college and the gap is still widening.  When we hit the workforce we deal with all the above-mentioned factors as well as the ever-constant pressure by society for us to be thin, pretty, happy, etc.  No wonder so many women burn out and have breakdowns in their thirties.  

What does this mean for all the pressure we put on ourselves? A new study in the Review of General Psychology has found a disturbing link between extreme perfectionism and depression/suicide.  The doctor who conducted it said, "Perfectionistic people typically believe that they can never be good enough, that mistakes are signs of personal flaws, and that the only route to acceptability as a person is to be perfect." With all that at stake, it's no wonder that people who fall victim to perfectionism are more likely to be hit much harder by setbacks and think that they're worthless or will never succeed.  

My advice to all you ladies out there who struggle with perfectionism (and advice that I should probably take myself) is this: you are just one person and though they say that life is short, it's also long.  It's a never-ending, fluid and evolving process that takes work, of course, but is full of setbacks, surprises, and variables that are beyond your control.  And even things that are within your control can sometimes go awry, and that's okay.  Forgive yourself if you go through periods of time where you feel lost and confused and like things aren't adding up or you're not where you need to be or you don't have whatever it is you think you need to be happy.  Trust yourself, don't beat yourself up, don't decide you're a complete failure if you fuck up a few times (or even if you fuck up a LOT, there's always time to change things).  And most of all, understand that nothing and no one is actually perfect, and exhale knowing that it's all kind of hilarious in the end.  

Hope this helped any of you worrying about these very things on this balmy October Friday.  (well, balmy if you're in LA, not sure what's going on in places which actually have weather).  

Cheers,

Katie