When a fun-loving pair of gossipy homos gets together, nobody is safe. Sure, instant messaging is a wonderful tool for workplace communication and for late-night, ahem, romantic dalliances. But during those down times in the gay media business, what else is there to do but eviscerate the glitterati?
SheWired.com Senior Editor Tracy E. Gilchrist and Advocate.com Editor Ross von Metzke prove that lesbians and gay men do get along... especially when they're getting bitchy over the latest dirt in Hollywood.
This week it's all about The Academy Awards. Tracy nearly burst a vein when her fave gals Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz both pulled wins in their respective categories...however, she's still waiting for them to make out. Meanwhile, Ross is fixated on Natalie Portman's drop-dead gorgeousness, Beyonce's unfortunate gown choice and Sophia Loren's face. Plus, how could they let the whole Jennifer Aniston / Angelina Jolie / Brad Pitt thing go without a mention? Beware...screaming queens ahead.
RvM: Hola chola. whats up with those brows?
TEG: You bitch. Don't start with me already. I haven't had enough coffee to counteract my Oscar night boxed wine hangover.
RvM: I’ll bet you were a mess. You said you were drunk by the time Penelope won. By the time taffy-faced Sophia Loren started waxing poetic on Meryl, you were probably in a diabetic coma.
TEG: Oh... I was perfectly cognizant of Winslet, her boobs and her Oscar win.
RvM: I’m sure. You never wanted to be a push up bra so bad in your life. So seriously, where do we begin? Do we go gay and do fashion and homoriffic moments, or do we go lez and talk about which ladies you’d like to grab a pint with?
TEG:As Julie Andrews says, "Let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start," or in this case, at the red carpet.
RvM: Alright. I gotta say, I’m gonna start with Marisa Tomei. A lot of my friends said she looked like an origami swan, but I think it takes a brave woman to pull of a dress like that, and she's HOT.
TEG: I thought Marisa looked great...much better than the mess she wore to the SAGs... and any woman who can stare into Mickey Rourke's crags for take after take deserves a special Oscar.
RvM: On that note, did you see the lady from KTLA Los Angeles ask Mickey Rourke, "What do you want to do tonight?" and he glared at her cans and winked. She looked like she was trying to find sign language for Purel without tipping off the crowd at home.
TEG: Ewwww. He puts the F in to Fug. Continuing on the subject of weird men, WTF with Philip Seymour Hoffman? My friend Lauren texted me to ask if he'd had cranial surgery.
RvM:Who knows? Maybe Meryl hit him with the limo door on the way in... gross. What about Angelina Jolie? Those earrings. Seriously, I’m not a gemstone queen, but they don’t sell shit like that at Zales. FIERCE!
TEG:The perfect touch! Angie and Brad looked smokin'. I do love Ange, I gotta go on about my girl Kate. Grace Fucking Kelly or what?
RvM: She brought it. I was watching with ten queens who practically peed their pants when she got on the carpet. Gorgeous. Kate and Penelope, for that matter. And you know I have to give a shout out to my girl Diane Lane. Now that's how you work a dress!
TEG: Diane's a babe. I know you gay boys love her. I like and respect her but I don't have the urge to objectify her like I do Kate and Pen. Don't know why… Now, Brolin.... I have a gay girl crush on him.
RvM: Probably because she's a lady, and the other two are broads.
TEG: Oooh. YOU WANT TO THROW DOWN? I told you it was too early.
RvM: Broad is a compliment. Zeta Jones is a broad. Smoking sexy, but after midnight, they can do whiskey shooters, play gin rummy and feel at home at a tittie bar.
TEG: Okay. You saved your ass. I love a girl who feels at home at a tittie bar... Since I have a set of my own I'm wielding.
RvM: A la, the wet bar in your 3rd floor walk up?
TEG: And by wet bar....
RvM: What about the red carpet misses? Um, Beyonce looked like she stole the tablecloth from a Chinese restaurant. She needs to stop letting her mom design her clothing. That craptastic house of Dereon line belongs at Filenes basement.
TEG: I tried to give Bey Bey the benefit, but yeah, it looked like something out of Little Shop of Horrors...like it would devour Ryan Seacrest and spit him out.
RvM: And Jessica Biel looked like one of her boobs fell out of her bra and hit her panty line. That was a hideous dress. And don’t even get me started on Miley Cyrus walking the carpet. I wanted Meryl to trip her and Goldie Hawn to play bongos on her ass with her knockers.
TEG: I know I'm a big dyke and it's compulsory for me to have a thing for Biel and her kick-ass arms but she puts me to sleep. I think I took a nap while she was strolling the carpet. Or...maybe that was my pre-Oscar pass out. Not sure. What was Cyrus even doing there? Is she old enough to retire to the Cat House in Nevada yet? That voice is like a 60-year-old Pall-Mall filter-less smoking hooker.
RvM: I know. How does she have the same voice as Angelica Huston at 16... Anyhoo, let’s move indoors. Favorite moment?
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(continued)
TEG: Kate's win of course...although I was already crying when Penny won and lost it with Dustin Lance Black. But having those five actresses wax poetic to the nominees drove me to the brink.
TEG: Oh...and before I forget...regarding Kate's speech and the shampoo bottle...oh, to be a shampoo bottle.
RvM: Herbal Essences so you can have that shower orgasm?
TEG: EXACTLY! ...Your fave moment?
RvM: Well, I'd say Lance Black and Sean Penn. Gay marriage mentioned twice at the Oscars-- that’s amazing. But in truth, I’m a queen. I loved Hugh Jackman's opening number. That mo queened out on Kate Winslet and Meryl in 2 mins. GAY
TEG: I know...it was like his very own coming out party. And after Penny won, she gave an incredibly gracious speech in which she thanked Almodovar -- now I'm a queen-- and Dustin Lance Black gave his moving speech, I was blubber. And what about that Hathaway? Could she be more charming?
RvM: She was adorable -- much more so than Langella... What about Aniston/Jolie showdown
TEG: The media likely wet themselves over that. I try not to get involved, although I do feel sorry for Jen for having to share the stage with Jack Black… They could have put her up there with someone she could spark some chemistry with.
TEG: Like Halle Berry.
RvM: Yeah. Like that Natalie Portman/Ben Stiller bit. That was funny. And Natalie? UM... that girl is so sexy it hurts.
TEG: I LOVE her. My God she's hot. Even when she's not in a corset torturing Scarlett Johansson.
RvM: She was even hot with a shaved head. That didn’t even work for Demi Moore.
TEG: And to pull off Pepto Bismol pink is quite an accomplishment. Back to Jen Aniston though. It was great she was there with Mayer, although he bores me, too. I still think she and Courteney should fuck. I mean, Courteney’s a good friend. She'd take one for Team Aniston right? Then, they'd get all the press.
RvM: Is everyone a lesbian with you? Next thing your gonna tell me Eva Marie Saint and Anjelica Huston were knocking boots after the best supporting actress presentation.
TEG: Everyone is a lesbian in my mind. There's a diff.
RvM: Oh I got it. So in your mind, Natalie Portman went back stage and snogged...
TEG: Reese?
RvM:How did I know you were going there? Both Ivy League, both type A’s, that would be a lot to handle.
TEG: Hmmm. I love those smarty-pants. Thanks for leaving me with that image. I'm going to take a break.
RvM: Ok, you go pee, I’ll cue up Tivo to Reese's speech and you can tell me about the many ways you might do her better than Jake.
TEG:I'll have a full report!
