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UC Santa Barbara student ponders lesbian life. This week she conjures up all the changes she would make if she were a gay witch. Same-sex marriage would be legal, Prop 8 dead in the water, Jennifer Beals would have won her Emmy and Dolly Parton, The Smiths, Cher, Uh Huh Her and a few others would be on every radio stations' random / repeat.
Gay Witches. Alright, it's not what it sounds like. Actually, yes it is. My friend and I were recently wandering around the Psychic Eye bookstore for shits and giggles and what did I stumble upon? A book titled Gay Witchcraft. I picked it up and threw it at my friend and the two of us could barely contain our excitement. After scanning the book, we found that it was filled with potions, spells, charms and various other incantations having to do with all things gay. It sounds silly, I know. But after browsing, I was convinced that starting a coven of gay witches might just be the greatest idea I've ever had.
Of course we'd be good witches, so that would mean that our first orders of business would be political. With the power of our wands we would make sure that no child came out to a family that rejects them because of his or her sexuality. We would ensure that no matter what type of political group they belonged to and no matter where their opinions lie, they would support their son or daughter unconditionally and continue to love them no matter what.
While we're on the political side of things, Prop 8 would obviously be our next order of business. First we would eliminate all Yes on 8 paraphernalia: yard signs, bumper stickers, banners, etc. We would make it so that the word "marriage" didn't stir up such a controversy, and that people were more concerned with a couple's happiness rather than with their gender.
On a lighter note, I'd like to create some sort of potion that gives us instant gaydar. No more wandering around and asking your friends and spending night after night wondering if the one you have your eye on is gay or not. Maybe with a flick of the wand or a dash of fairy dust (pun intended) all of our worries and wonderings will disappear.
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Representation would no longer be a problem either. We would make sure that the L Word would have won at least ONE Emmy while it was still airing. I'm thinking that Jennifer Beals would be our first recipient, but I'm sure I would have to have the coven take a vote of some sort. And while we're at it, we would have made sure that Carmen never left.
On the musical side of things, Tegan and Sara would finally win a Grammy. The radio would consist mostly of Rufus Wainwright, Tracy Chapman, Joan Armatrading, Uh Huh Her, The Smiths, Dolly Parton, Cher, and Judy Garland. Okay and a little Queen Latifah for good measure.
Now when I say "witches," I'm sure you're wondering what our outfits would be like. Not your average pointy hats and capes with broomsticks. For the girls, we'd wear sequined flannel shirts with glittery combat boots. For the boys, they'd wear sequined tiny tank tops and booty shorts with feathers on them.
Alright, maybe that last bit was a little over the top - but think about it. Essentially we'd do what we're trying to do now: we're fighting for more representation in the media. We want more gay and lesbian shows aired on television and more gay and lesbian themes and storylines in films and we want more gay and lesbian music to be played and available to the masses.
We're fighting for our basic human rights to be with who we choose and be recognized legally like our straight friends as well. It's just that the spells and the charms would be a quicker and more surefire way to assure that we achieve our goals without anyone getting more hurt in the process. It would expedite all the protests and yelling and screaming that we are all doing and instead help everyone get what they want without things getting uglier. And at the same time we'd probably have fun gathering all the eye of newt and mug worm that we'd need for the potions. Oh and I forgot to mention one thing: Dana would still be alive. Abracadabra!
